Ooh Sir! Ooh Harry Potter Sir!

Some clever sod has just discovered Saturn's 60th moon. Haven't they got anything better to do?

To their credit they've called it Frank, probably after Frank Sinatra. But still, that's no excuse.
Basically, an astronomer is just a train spotter with a PhD and a telescope. Once you've found 59 moons, how many more do you need? After your 60th, it's probably time to get a girlfriend.

Anyway, there will be no astronomy going on tonight. They'll all be queuing up at the "one basket only" till at Asda to buy the new Harry Potter book. It'll be biggest line of geeks since the auditions for Young Scientist of the Year.

Still it keeps them all out of trouble. I predict that they won't find any more moons for a few weeks.

It will also make a change for all the teenagers to be in Asda queuing up instead of sitting on the wall outside, drinking cider and making snide remarks.

That's all.

Don't know why the rain falls from the sky...stormy weather

What about all these floods we've been having, eh? What's going on at all?

There seems to be two theories about what's causing it:

A. We are buggering up the environment by flying to Malaga for our holidays and driving the kiddies to school. (source: various boffins)
B. That's a load of balls - global warming is not our fault, its just nature, like. (source: other boffins)

Now to be frank, theories A and B leave me cold. Because we all know that science is boring and confusing.

However, this week, I read another theory which was very interesting. Graham Dowe, the Bishop of Carlisle, has explained that the floods were sent by God as a punishment. (source: the old testament)

Amongst other things, our Graham said, "The sexual orientation regulations are part of a general scene of permissiveness. We are in a situation where we are liable for God's judgment, which is intended to call us to repentance."

I'm not sure, but I think that means that gays have caused the floods! Well spotted, Graham, lad. Now that you point it out it seems so obvious. Someone tell the Environment Agency!

Now, in the past, I have been very much live-and-let live where gay people are concerned. After all, my first wife, Valerie, was nine parts lesbian. But this new information is making me reconsider. I mean, if Graham is right, who knows what other scourges they are bringing down on us? Cancer? Our disappointing record in the World Cup? Britains Got Talent?

Maybe the best way is to cover all the options. So here is my 4-point plan to save the planet.
1. Make the kids walk to school or, if you live on a flood plain, buy them a dinghy.
2. Go to Blackpool for your holidays.
3. If you are gay, or lesbian (or anyone else the bishop doesn't care for) apologise to God, just to be on the safe side.
4. Call yourself Noah and build an ark.

For more of the Bishop's crazy wisdom, see this article.