New Kid On The Block

My protege, Sam Brady, is coming along well.

Even though he was booed off at the Comedy Store and died on his arse at the Royal Court, he's still determined to make it big.

I think he'll go far. But I still think he could do with a nice gold medallion and a new hairdo.

Visit Sam's blog at www.sambradystandup.blogspot.com or type Sam Brady Comedian into Google.

Join The Tony Canelloni Fan Club!

Today we are officially launching the Tony Canelloni Fan Club.

It's free, it's fun, it's fantastic. Well, it's free anyway.

There's some videos and songs and stuff and you get to meet other people on-line who actually like me.

So don't be a miserable bugger, come and join in. We've only been open for business since dinner time and there's already a staggering 6 people signed up (including me and my manager, Simon).

Even if you think I am total shite, sign up anyway just so you can slag me off. It won't do you any good cos we'll just delete everything you say and then ban you, but at least you will make it look like we've got loads of members.

See you there.

The Light Fantastic

Awreet?

I finally got round to sticking some video on.

This is me at Earth Cafe int summer, doing a little routine in the middle of a swing number. The song sounds absolutely shite so I've cut it all out. This clip is all that's left.

Hope you like it.


Find more videos like this on The Insight Company

Ooh Sir! Ooh Harry Potter Sir!

Some clever sod has just discovered Saturn's 60th moon. Haven't they got anything better to do?

To their credit they've called it Frank, probably after Frank Sinatra. But still, that's no excuse.
Basically, an astronomer is just a train spotter with a PhD and a telescope. Once you've found 59 moons, how many more do you need? After your 60th, it's probably time to get a girlfriend.

Anyway, there will be no astronomy going on tonight. They'll all be queuing up at the "one basket only" till at Asda to buy the new Harry Potter book. It'll be biggest line of geeks since the auditions for Young Scientist of the Year.

Still it keeps them all out of trouble. I predict that they won't find any more moons for a few weeks.

It will also make a change for all the teenagers to be in Asda queuing up instead of sitting on the wall outside, drinking cider and making snide remarks.

That's all.

Don't know why the rain falls from the sky...stormy weather

What about all these floods we've been having, eh? What's going on at all?

There seems to be two theories about what's causing it:

A. We are buggering up the environment by flying to Malaga for our holidays and driving the kiddies to school. (source: various boffins)
B. That's a load of balls - global warming is not our fault, its just nature, like. (source: other boffins)

Now to be frank, theories A and B leave me cold. Because we all know that science is boring and confusing.

However, this week, I read another theory which was very interesting. Graham Dowe, the Bishop of Carlisle, has explained that the floods were sent by God as a punishment. (source: the old testament)

Amongst other things, our Graham said, "The sexual orientation regulations are part of a general scene of permissiveness. We are in a situation where we are liable for God's judgment, which is intended to call us to repentance."

I'm not sure, but I think that means that gays have caused the floods! Well spotted, Graham, lad. Now that you point it out it seems so obvious. Someone tell the Environment Agency!

Now, in the past, I have been very much live-and-let live where gay people are concerned. After all, my first wife, Valerie, was nine parts lesbian. But this new information is making me reconsider. I mean, if Graham is right, who knows what other scourges they are bringing down on us? Cancer? Our disappointing record in the World Cup? Britains Got Talent?

Maybe the best way is to cover all the options. So here is my 4-point plan to save the planet.
1. Make the kids walk to school or, if you live on a flood plain, buy them a dinghy.
2. Go to Blackpool for your holidays.
3. If you are gay, or lesbian (or anyone else the bishop doesn't care for) apologise to God, just to be on the safe side.
4. Call yourself Noah and build an ark.

For more of the Bishop's crazy wisdom, see this article.

Our Nikki Was Marvellous in Mountain Language

Last night I went to t' theatre fot see my niece, our Nikki, in a play.

Generally speaking, I don't like plays much. I prefer a good game of rugby league if I'm honest. But our Nikki is a smashing lass so I thought I'd see her in action, like.

Anyway the play was one of these modern arty things. A lot of strange people jumping up and down and shouting and swearing. Not that different from being in t' crowd watching Wigan Warriors on a Sunday afternoon.

It was called Mountain Language, which is what they must have been speaking cos I didn't understand a bloody word of it. It was by a bloke called Harold Pinter - I wouldn't mind a "pinter" whatever he was drinking when he wrote it! Ha Ha! (must remember that one)

Our Nikki was very good though. I was proper proud of her. She played an old woman and she was right convincing.

As far as I could make out, this old woman got bit by a dog but she didn't know t' name o' t' dog. So she went visiting her son in prison. But then he had some kind of fit. And there was another feller in a boiler suit with a scarf o'er his face - put me in mind o' t' gimp in Pulp Fiction.

There was a good deal of effing and jeffing. A woman in a head scarf started screaming blue murder at this bloke with a beard. She used some very unlady-like language (maybe it was mountain language, I don't know).

Anyway, I hung around and congratulated our Nikki on her performance. Then I went to t' Catholic Club for a stiff drink.

Hopefully, t' next time I have fot go to a theatre they'll be doing an autopsy on me.

Valerie and Muriel

I just thought I'd better clear summat up.

I've had a few queries asking why I mention my wife, Valerie, in an interview I gave last year, but this year, the wife's name seems to have changed to Muriel.

It's very simple. In the interview I was telling a story from years back about my ex-missus, Valerie. People who have seen me on stage recently will know that Valerie and I got divorced. She buggered off following my spiritual awakening.

I think what finally did it was when I cancelled the cruise to Jamaica and booked us onto a 3-day festival of pagan ritual.

It was a very acrimonious divorce. We had a divorce hearing and everything. The courtroom was like a game show. Valerie won the star prize - a house and a car. I won the luggage.

My current wife, Muriel is much more spiritual that Valerie. She also shares my love of swing music. In fact, we are are probably two of the best-known swingers in the North West.

Hope that clears it up.